Crisis

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Rainy rainy rainy, in April, in my heart. I have no place to stay, and when I look, I realize that I actually don’t own anything. I even lost my sense of belonging and sense of ownership, even if just for this moment, I still need them to carry on my life. However, at the same time, I am not afraid any more. I can and will lose anything, and I can be anywhere, because I never had much from the very beginning, and I am stuck in a place that is not home for long enough.

危机日记

危机前奏:2014年4月,老天爷欠了土地老爷钱了。一个劲儿地用雨水还。连下两天大雨,今天的风雨更是来得急。山沟沟里出现了无数条小河。原来的小溪现在变为河,原来的河想必是汹涌澎湃了。池塘就要冲到马路上,家门口快积成了池塘。我前两周的春耕播种计划遇到了前所未有的困难,老天爷是诚心么?我前脚播种移栽,后脚就又冰冻紧接着又大雨。夜晚,雨声渐渐停息,零星却依然源源不断。时间慢了下来。人生能有几场雨想起时还能记忆犹新,一起遭遇雨水的人就恰巧偶然地留在脑海里。不愿在雨夜播点记忆,然而大雨冲刷土地的能力让我的思维情不自禁地悬浮到地球上空发些琐碎的感慨。

危机感受:生活失去意义,只是活着,没有感觉。没有能力去理解,没有理由享受身边的一切。想躲起来,又不想回家。

无处有家:一下子无从归属,哪里都不觉得亲切或喜兴。因为所有的东西都不属于我。哪一天就都丢掉。没有家。阳光和树都不是我的。突然意识到人要有拥有感和归属感,才能去享受生活。突然也什么都不怕,没有了什么也不可怕,因为本来就没有。

变化和选择:不知道是命运开的玩笑还是前半生倒霉不够。连日的流离失所,无处栖身,伤财伤神,惊吓恶斗,悬崖无路,前途未卜。几日麻木,几日不安,几日焦虑,几日感到无所适从。选择有时是被逼无奈。没有选择的选择,幸好还感到有些许可沉浸之处。努力,没有等我回过神儿,那一趟车就错过了。也许命运让我清醒一下。今日不干的事儿,坐在沙发上,一拖也许几年,半辈子,所以教我没沙发了好。
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